People

Posted

Mood: Hot n sweaty

So it's 1am, 25 degrees celcius and sweltering hot.  i just got home from a date and because it's so hot I have no desire to writhe around my bed all hot and wet.  I sat in the dark, right in front of the airconditioning and started thinking about the world and all that's wrong with it, but mostly the people in it that are wrong.

When did it become ok in our society to try and tear others down?  I mean I'm guilty of it too, it seems to be all too common.  Someone says something which another someone deems offensive, so rather than contemplate what was said they blow in full steam ahead in attack mode.  Things said in these heated outbursts can really hurt a person, I personally tend not to let that stuff get to me - when did that change?  When did I just become accepting that people react in a childish manner when someone gets to them?  This isn't right, shouldn't I get angry?  Shouldn't I be hurt?  When did things stop mattering?

I know I have changed alot in the last year and a half, not just with the massive weight loss, but my personality has completely changed too.  Sometimes even I can see that I have become full of myself....someone I long ago vowed I would never become.  The humility I felt when I was unhappy with the way I looked is almost missed at times.  Is it the dramatic change in my appearance or has the little girl who always got kicked just kicking ass back?  I'm not sure.

My ex Kyle tried to squeeze back into my life a short while ago, and in the beginning I almost fell into the same behavioural patterns of letting him back, then I clicked and realised I didn't want that destructive person in my life ever again.  I told him, he was upset and I just felt liberated.  I finally grew out of Kyle - hip hip hooray for me.  I outgrew alot of people along the way, and while it may seem sad, it really wasn't.  It was time to move past the destructive and leeching people out of my life.  Some of them just always took until they left me feeling like a limp rag, I just couldn't do it anymore. 

I don't claim to have straightened myself out completely, in fact I am probably far from it, but in hindsight I have also achieved some amazing things this past year.

I don't mean to go on about it, but the weight loss was the hardest and yet most rewarding thing I have ever done.  I have literally opened up a world of options just by taking care of myself.  I have worked my ass off at work, even though at times it was and still is so stressfull I could cry.  As a result I was given a 7k payrise just before Christmas,  I am financially much better off than I was 2 years ago, those hospital loans are only 15k away from being paid off.  I have been dating my ass off, it's been fun meeting new people and expanding my circle of friends.  All in all it's been a good year.

I feel like I haven't been here in forever and I do miss the good friends I have made here - by now you know who you are. (See Ken I updated my blog just for you!  )

Time for me to try and get some sleep Arzu is coming over tomorrow - oh yeah she's 7 months pregnant and still my soulmate!  I can't wait to be an aunty!

*yawn*

Dee

So I'm home!

Posted

I'm finally home, actually I'm not sure why I said finally when I never wanted to leave!

I had the most amazing time in Fiji, but I am far too tired to go into intimate detail right now, I will save that for another entry - yes I will actually write one!

I've had a tonne of people asking me for pics of Fiji, so rather than send emails of close to 200 pictures, I've put them on my website.  If you would like to have a peek, please feel free to visit:  http://dinkydee.helldamned.com/  click on pics and then choose the Fiji Pics.

*yawn*

Dee is tired, I'm going to hit the hay but I promise I will update with funny little stories from Fiji when I stop feeling so damn lazy lol!

Peace

 

Yikes

Posted

Mood: Frustrated
I can't deal with emotionally needy men!  I try to be understanding, but I just can't seem to find it within myself to have patience for men like that.

I went on two dates with this guy.  This guy is attractive, but his constant need to touch me, to have my full attention drives me insane.  We went to a bar on Saturday night, we were with Pas and Pas and I were actually out on our own but he called and asked if he could meet us at the bar.  I thought to myself, sure why not?  As soon as he showed up it was just a disaster.  He talked about how much he liked me, wanted me, thought I was the "one" - all in front of Pas! I mean it's sweet that he likes me that much, but there is a time and a place to discuss things like that - the second date around my friends is certainly not that time!!!

Tonight I was honest and told him that I couldn't be his girlfriend, I also told him the real reason why, he tried to change my mind but obviously there was no way he was going to do that.

I don't understand if it's his constant need for emotional reassurance or my impatience with him, but I got to thinking about why I am so tough.  Is it because I have been hurt too many times? Is it because I am finally ready to be by myself and live my life for me? Or am I the one who is just so jaded that I can't distinguish good from bad anymore?

Personally I think I am on a journey where I have to learn more about myself before I can take care of someone else's need.  Secretly, I don't want to be with anyone before I go on my trip to Fiji, for some stupid reason I have a strong feeling I am going to meet someone over there....let's see if it works out that way.

I made the right decision with Mark, it's 3:45am and he is messaging my phone trying to change my mind - I always seem to find the stalkers.....

Where have I been?

Posted

Mood: Endorphined Up, Music: Who Knew - Pink

It's the last day of Autumn, tomorrow begins Winter, my most loathed Season.  I know people love winter, they love being warm, playing in the snow (which they have to drive to 3 hours away - ughh) and being kept warm by their significant others.  I simply prefer hot weather, the beautiful colours of Spring and Summer, the smell of freshly cut grass, birds chirping and of course skimpy clothes and bikini's!

These past two months have been defining for me, so many things have happened, bad, good and life altering.

My mum had more of her foot amputated, hard times - and then the doctors realised they didn't get all of the gangrene and had to take more off.  That woman deserves a million dollars for how well she copes with losing parts of herself.  I am convinced that my strength comes from her - how could it not?  She inspires me to be a better person, to see the positive in every negative and to understand the balance of life - I could not have picked a better role model and nurturer if I tried.

My beloved Elmo passed away on May 15th, it was singularly the hardest day of my life, tears still warm and wet my face every time I see his picture or think about his sweet nature. To say that I miss every part of him would be a lie - it goes so much more beyond that. I loved him more than I loved any pet I have ever owned, he was and will continue to be my family.  I will continue to love him and remember him until the day I meet him again.

Six weeks ago I broke my ribs at the gym, it was an accident with the personal trainer - ouch!  I was quite pissed off with how things were handled after it happened, I told her I was in pain and her response was "you'll be ok give me some crunches" so I left many messages for management, to which they never responded, I had made up my mind that I was going to cancel my membership and go to another gym.  The manager had somehow got wind of what had happened and why I was cancelling, she called and appologised profusely, I ended up getting 12 months free membership and 6 months worth of vitamin supplements as well as free personal training sessions. The amazing thing is that I am a very outspoken person, and usually I fight for what I believe in, this time I couldn't be bothered with it and was prepared to let it go - it worked out beneficial anyway.  Do I believe in Karma? Absolutely.

Fiji is 5 weeks away and I have managed to get my body down from a size 16 to a size 10 - I am so close to my goal that I can taste it, I have never been so inpired to do something in my life, and I am almost a little proud of myself for getting this far.  It feels wonderful to hear my family tell me that I look amazing, I have never heard that before.  I must take pictures of the new me to show the people who still read this journal.

Kyle is finally out of my life for good.  He should have been out of my life 18 months ago when I broke up with him, but he always had this hold on me that I just couldn't explain - I thought perhaps I was still in love with him and hence the reason I couldn't just walk away - but I did and I can't even begin to describe how great that feels.  His new gf is pregnant, it's the one thing that broke the hold, I will never speak to him again, nor do I want to.

I'm happy, I'm not just saying it, I genuinely feel at ease and very comfortable with my life.  Once all I wanted was to find that special someone and feel happiness, now I have offers coming out of every orifice and yet I am not interested.  Personal trainer from a few entries down, was hanging around for a while until I told him he needed to move on and find someone else.  He was and still is a gorgeous man, but it just didn't feel right, he wasn't the person I saw myself with.  To be fair, I never really gave him a chance anyway, he always made all the effort and it was quite clear that it didn't phase me if I heard from him or not.  Someone else probably needs that attention more.

If you're still reading this far, you're keen, I can't remember the last time I babbled on so much hehe.

Time to chill out after a hard workout - I'll try to keep this thing more updated....well I did say TRY! lol

Hmmm

Posted

I'm just testing to see if I can still write in here as a basic member....so far so good hehe

The date!

Posted

Mood: Happy

So I went on the "Big" date tonight, all I can say is WOW!  He exceeded the expectations that I had, not that I held high expectations but he was super polite, treated me like a lady, I don't think I've heard that many compliments in my life.  He was completely sweet to me, he paid for dinner, even though I protested and I couldn't say no to him when he invited me to his house for coffee.

He is super gorgeous, that body alone....YUM!  He's intelligent, funny, and a genuinely nice guy - we never ran out of things to say to each other.  He kissed me, I let him, and can I just say HELLO! his kisses were very woah - it felt so natural, as if I had always kissed him and only him.

I played it very cool after he had kissed me, and waited to see what he would say.  He asked me if he was going to see me again, I said that would depend on whether he wanted to - he very much wanted to! There was chemistry from the moment we met, and it just got better as the night went on.  This is the type of guy I could see myself with, and I didn't at all feel any intimidation around him.  He is gorgeous looking, women were drooling all over him at the restaurant, but he only looked at me.  He told me that from the moment he saw me he knew he had to meet me, there was a pull that he couldn't control. 

We have so much in common, and we even know the same people, he plays golf with a guy I work with, we both drive the exact same car, same colour and all and we are so comfortable with each other it's like we've always known one another - I would be very surprised if I didn't see him again.

I haven't been on a date this good in a very long time, I can't wait for the next one!

So that's that

Posted

Mood: Calm

I have a date tomorrow night, and I am actually really looking forward to going out with this guy.  He is a personal trainer and has a killer body, a gorgeous face and a killer smile.  He's great to talk to and we have very good "click" He's taking me to dinner and then a VIP party for the Commonwealth Games athletes.  I don't have anything in common with world class athletes, but I still think the party could be fun.

It's been a long time since I have been asked out to dinner for a date, the common thing to do on a date around here is to go out for coffee or drinks, I must admit, eating in front of someone I don't know doesn't really entice me.

I feel so free, more free than I have since I was a child, what have I let go of that was holding me back for so long?  I'm not sure, but I know it feels good, I feel like I am starting to live my life all over again - fresh and innocent.

I'm watching Bride and Prejudice, I recommend anyone who has never seen it to get it and watch it, I have never laughed so hard - Indians are a crack up!

 

Phew

Posted

Mood: Happy

A huge weight has been lifted off my chest, I never though forgiving someone and making peace with them could be so fulfilling.  I made the move to contact him, apologising for all the nasty things I said to him in our very last email to each other.  My constant need to do the right thing drove me to it.  I had to say I was sorry or I would have continued to feel the unease that I have been feeling since we broke up.

His response was touching, he also apologised for the things that were said.  I truly do believe it was a step in the right direction, especially for me.  I've never been the sort of person to hang on to bad feelings, and the fact that I had such bad feelings towards him shocked and surprised me.  I am not the person that I had portrayed in those last moments.  I hated knowing that he thought I was.

While it's true that a part of me still loves him, the bigger part of me is mature enough to know that moving on was the right thing to do.  My mission now is to continue feeling the inner peace I crave so much, I will continue living my life as I have done up until now....I will be happy.

I have a recurring dream, a dream I experience at least once a night before waking from it.  I cannot change it and I must admit it does affect me a little.  The dream starts off with a phone call, it's from Dave (Barry's dad) it happens while I am in Fiji and he asks me how his son is.  I answer with a truthful "I don't know" and he asks me why?  I reply that we have broken up and that Barry chose to remove himself from my life.  At this point in the dream he starts to cry and it completely breaks my heart, he tells me he worries about him and that he will never be happy without me.  I wake up at this point in the dream with wet cheeks, I'm obviously crying for real.  I don't know what it means but maybe now it will stop?

I have thrown myself into the gym, I am now going 6 times a week.  I feel solace and comfort there, I feel like it is my home.  Of course not everyone agrees with me, and I have been given lectures about overdoing things and being "obsessed".  I don't believe I am obsessed, I am seeing the reward of my efforts and take pride in the fact that I work so hard to achieve my goal.  Determination is one thing no-one can take away from me, it has always been and will always be mine.

What started off as an uneasy morning, has turned out to be a great afternoon, I feel so much better and I hope this feeling follows me from today onwards....

Am I cursed?

Posted

Mood: Fucked off!

Seriously has someone put a curse on me or what?  Ever since I got back from Fiji, nothing but bad things have been happening to me.  I've been trying to push them away and just keep soldiering on, but I am getting to the point where I just want to let loose and scream.  Today just topped it...seriously nothing that has happened to me this year thus far has been as bad as this.

Adriana has been a moody cow in the last couple of weeks, last week she made a comment that pissed me off and put me on the edge of not speaking to her - she told Nina (while I was standing there no less) that Diane is the kind of person you feel like you've known forever and can treat like shit!  Nina gave me an apologetic look and told Adriana that she felt sorry for me being her friend.  I said nothing because I couldn't justify starting an argument and didn't want to make a scene in a public place.  On Thursday we got into a conversation about partners working with each other - we disagreed, which was fine, we've disagreed before and nothing ever came of it.  This time however she put her hand inches from my face and sarcastically spat out "whatever" - anyone who knows me, knows how much this would have angered me.  I gave her a strange look, to which she sarcastically said "It's a difference of opinion" so I replied with "Then say that instead of saying whatever, I find whatever rude and dismissive" mere seconds after the words were out of my mouth she came right up to my face and screamed "WHATEVER" I was livid by this stage and barely controlling my anger - so I did what any other mature person would do, I said I needed to get back to work and left.

All through the day and the next, every time she walked past me she would say "whatever" as she was walking past.  I admit it started getting to me, I wasn't talking to her and ignored her presence whenever I saw her around the office, I couldn't and still can't believe she was being so fucking childish.  Anyway today I went into the staff kitchen to wash my lunch dishes, she was in there, no biggie, I washed my plate and moved over to dry it so she could wash her piece of fruit.  She splashed water all over the place, making sure she got me, she slammed a cupboard and just missed my leg, and then she did the ultimate, she slammed the door so hard on her way out that it bounced back and smacked me in the face.  I cannot even begin to describe how angry I was. 

I went back to my desk, and as I sat down she walked past, I couldn't resist saying "loser" as she did.  I didn't think she would come back and start screaming at me in my office.  My other work colleagues stood there in shock watching what was transpiring, as she yelled I felt that yellow ball of acidic anger rise to the top and I couldn't stop what was about to happen next.  I lost control, I screamed back, swearing, telling her to stop harassing me and threatening me, she screamed for me to come outside, and I called her  abnormal if she thought I was going to fight a pregnant woman.  It got out of control, people were coming out of their offices to see what the hell was going on - I was at the point where I didn't give a shit if I lost my job, that's how angry I was. 

It finally simmered down when my boss came out and told us both to just shut up.  The full gravity of what had happened hit me there and then.  I had lost control at work, I still can't believe this happened, I can't believe I LET it happen.  Obviously I got pulled straight into my bosses office and started bawling.  I couldn't help it, it was like a river was suddenly set free and I couldn't stop.  Luckily I have the best boss in the world, who instead of yelling at me, gave me a lesson.  He told me he hired me because I am a winner, he told me he knew this wasn't me, and he asked me what I was going to do to fix it.  I just sat there dumbfounded, wondering why I wasn't getting a warning or something.  He told me he had high hopes for me, and that this was a minor setback that I would need to work hard on to resolve.  All I could sit there thinking was how embarrassed I was.  He told me that he knew I would make this all better, because he could see what a great person I am and that I need to start believing it to and stop believing people in my recent past who tried to tell me I am nothing special. 

While what happened was ridiculous and pathetic, I think it needed to happen, for me to gain some love for myself back, I let too many people walk all over me and try to make me feel like I am less than I am.

I did speak to Adriana after that, and the second I approached her, she said she was sorry, I was sorry too, I never wanted things to escalate to the point that they did, but I did think I was doing the right thing in ignoring her and removing myself from her.  I guess I should have said something after all.

Another life lesson learnt, and believe me nothing like this will EVER happen again...

I think I'm done

Posted

Mood: Exhausted

Ahh I think I have overdone the dating thing.  I realised this when I made yet another date for Friday night  and saw that I had triple booked myself.  I also made 2 dates for Thursday night, what the hell was I thinking?

it's just too addictive to go out with people who think I am beautiful, that go out of their way to make sure I am looked after, I feel bad because even though I tell them I am not looking for anything, they still come with the hope that they will be the one to change my mind.

Dave says i should give it a rest for a while and the moment he said it was the moment it became so clear that I did want a break, so I am cancelling all bar one date, because I actually think this guy is great and would like to go out for coffee with him.  I am going to continue focusing on myself and my goals, I only have 4 months to get my body in the shape I want it in. I think as I get closer to attaining my goal the lazier I become because I think I am almost there and I have all this time.  Reality is that time flies and I really need to get my act into gear and stop procrastinating and just do it.

The dating thing was a great distraction, but I still think about him occasionally, and I regret all the nasty things that I said.  Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it now, it's the past and all I can do is continue to ask God to forgive me for saying the things I said.  This is probably the way it was meant to turn out anyway and who am I to mess with fate?

I am tired, I am determined that tonight will be the first time I will actually go to bed and get a decent nights sleep, I have said it for months now but have never actually done it.  Tonight I will sleep....ahhh sleep.