Elton John Celebrates 60 Years

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For the last 6 months, it seems, the British press has been desperately trying to chivvy us into "joining in " the "celebrations" for "Elton's" 60th Birthday.  Personally, I don't see what's to celebrate.  In fact, it was with a sinking heart I discovered this short fat fool has only been a blot on our cultural lanscape for 6 decades as it seems like much longer.  



Look at him.

Imagine "rolling like thunder under the covers" with that.

What contribution has he made to anything at all? 

I remember a brief ray of hope in the 90s when I sat watching Versace's funeral on the news, huge beaming smile on my face, and thought  as I watched the little idiot snivelling into the scrawny bosom of Vampira Princess of Wales "They could take the entire front row out for me.  I certainly wouldn't complain. " 

It looked like there may actually be a God on the 31st August 1997 when we "lost" the insufferable "Queen of Hearts" and I was pretty sure we were going to make it a hat trick and be rid of  Elton too.   
 But no.  He endures.  Grinning inanely. 

Preston Bus Drivers Declare War on the ipod.

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Since I got my ipod at Christmas....

....it has seriously, er, compromised my relationship with my mobile 'phone, which I had previously believed to be the "one".  I'm so distracted by listening to it, updating it, polishing it and sometimes just running my finger over it's sweet little curves I don't even bother to keep my 'phone charged up at all.

Like all new loves, it makes me feel giddy and crazy and a little bit like we could take on the world as long as we're together.  And there is a clear divide between those who, ahem, "know" the ipod and those who don't. Bitter, unloved old women glare at anyone displaying those tell tale little  white wires, then tut.  Ha!  We can't hear them anyway. 

People at the bus stop huddle together and whisper about me.  Well.  They've always done that  actually , as I've  been reluctant to join the merry band of comrades who try and strike up "conversations" at 7.00am, and I've had to be quite firm about it in the past.  There was a period when they misread the signals (i.e. completely ignoring them when they spoke to me and standing at least four meters away from them) and assumed I was shy, which made them even more determined to force me into their fold, but I digress.

Non-ipodders have formed the collective opinion that ipodders are rude.  As early as January someone next to me on the bus exhaled sharply whilst pointedly folding her arms as soon as I put my earphones in.  As if, without the ipod, I'd be likely to have started up a conversation with her and the world would be a better place where we could all leave our front doors open and no one would rob us because we had nothing to steal anyway and we'd all have to squeeze into the only house in the street with a T.V. to watch the Coronation. Come on.  Once you put those earphones in you may as well start wearing a hooded top, hanging around outside the corner shop in a "gang", spitting and intimidating stupid people. I don't know why Apple haven't thought of including a gun, or at least a flick knife, on some of the newer models.   

Now, then, one particular social group  who are, undoubtedly and without exception, the rudest people on earth are the employees of Preston Bus.

Talk about chips on their shoulders.

It costs me 88p to get from The Bridge Inn to the Railway Station.  If I get on the bus and say  "88, please" and put the exact change into the tray, they bark "Where are you going?".  However, If I get on the bus, smile and say "Railway Station, please" and wait, with the exact change in my hand, for them to say "That'll be 88 pence, please"  they, instead, snap "How much is that?".  They are making some point or another but I'm ***** if I know what it is.  And  I have been driven past the point where I am prepared to say "88, to the Railway  Station, please".  I  let myself get drawn into their petty little game for a while, when I discovered that answering the question "Where are you going?" with "Train Station, please"  made them  go purple and say "Do you mean Railway Station?" And  then I'd say " No.  I mean the Train Station.  Would you refer to the Bus Station as the "Highway Station"? No.  I didn't think so.".

Well.  These two destructive forces have merged and society is crumbling.   

Preston Bus drivers have declared war on the ipod!!!!

NOW, when I get on the bus, with my ear phones in and say "88, please" the driver suddenly comes over all jolly and wants to have a "laugh" with me.  They are, of course, doing this because they don't think you've had the good manners to use the "Pause" function whilst involved in a transaction and therefore can't hear them.  It is a move designed to make you look rude and stupid, so they can then have a "joke" with the other non-ipodders in the queue.  They're all at it.  It's clearly something they have discussed together in the staff room, which I have no doubt resembles a 1980s taxi office and is the last workplace in the country in which you're allowed to smoke.

My current position is to beat them at their own game.  I get on (ipod on pause) looking distracted and nodding my head to an imaginary beat.  Then when they start being chirpy or asking questions they think I won't be able to hear I engage enthusiastically and start wittering on about the weather and litter and young people today.  This forces them to be rude and terminate the conversation on the (false) pretext of keeping the bus on schedule.  Any other suggestions would be gratefully received.