Scammers

Posted Oct 4 at 2:15 PM

It amazes me how quickly people stop asking you for help when you offer the help in a manner that isn't what they expected...  AKA you don't give them cash...

For example, a member e-mailed me a couple days ago asking for money to feed her baby and get diapers...  WHen I offered to send diapers and food, that person no longer wanted to talk to me..

Watch out for the scammers....   Ask the right questions or do something different than they expect...  Often times you'll find they aren't in need of anything besides your cash...

Reversing Manifest Destiny

Posted

Mood: Slightly Ambiguous..., Music: A Spoon Full Of Sugar...
The information I am about to provide to you will cost me dearly, but is of such national importance that its dissemination is paramount. There is a conspiracy afoot, and you are all unwilling participants in its nefarious plot. This corruption can not proceed unchecked without the direst of consequences, and I will make it my personal mission to stamp out its dastardly repercussions with all of my being. Be prepared for the mother of all battles, as we wage war on the darkest of foes; Canadians.

As you continue to scoff at the audacity of this claim, I remind you of a few simple facts. Firstly, Canada is about three times as large as the United States. Secondly, 92% of Canada’s population is situated within 2 hour’s drive of the border with the United States. Canada also shares 4 of the largest fresh water reservoirs with the United States and controls access to one of the most important shipping lanes; The Saint Lawrence River. This is all situated on the world’s longest undefended border, with little more than trees and the occasional muskrat separating these two mammoth nations.

“Why would Canada attack the United States?” you ask. There are many factors at play. It could be a maple syrup-induced rage against Canada’s closest neighbor. Perhaps Canadians take curling much more seriously than Americans ever thought, and revenge has become a necessity. It could be the desire to end the endless streams of American tourists raping and pillaging the Canadian landscape of non-watery beer, clean water and air, cheap prescription drugs, and Celine Deon… Well, at least non-watery beer, clear water and air, and cheap prescription drugs.

More likely it is the bevy of resources the American populace holds such a tight death grasp over. Silicon breast implants, consumer-ready automatic rifles, weight-loss supplements that aren’t bad for your health, and K-Fed are just a few of the many wonders of the American lifestyle that Canadians do not possess. The jealous rage that has been boiling in the Canadian psyche for over 300 years will soon spill over into a rampage for the ages. How could the mindless Canadian juggernaught possibly resist the urge to assume control over so many pieces of the North American culture that are dangled in their faces over Cable TV yet held away from them as if they were a donkey pulling a cart?

Soon they will come, with their hockey sticks and Anne Murray, hell-bent on the destruction of the United States. For a decade Americans have scoffed at their monetary mediums only to realize too late the fact that, when war came, every Canadian had a pocket full of ammunition. “Looney!” you say? You have yet to see a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer, with horse in full gallop, targeting practice dummies with his Gold and Nickel treasure chest with pinpoint accuracy.

I am not the first to heed the warning signs. Doom is upon every American that does not wake up and smell the moose and beaver feces coming from the north. Look at the pre-invasion army already waiting on the American side of this border; Mike Myers, Pam Anderson, Jim Carey, Bryan Adams, Alanis Morrisette, and Alan Thick with those weeeee beeeeady little eyes! Then there is Michael J. Fox, a scourge among men. Parkinson’s my skinny white butt! If you watch his eyes closely his shaking is actually a hypnotic rhythm designed to make you purchase Highliner Fish Sticks and Canadian Softwood Lumber.

It is in the annals of recorded history that one day the United States will expand over all of North America. It is referred to as Manifest Destiny, and dates back to the colonial days when expansion of a country’s might only required a cannon and tens of thousands of underprivileged peasants willing to die for one’s own greater wealth. Canada knows this plan; the Canadian Security and Intelligence Systems have been subverting manifest destiny for decades. But now, we are on the brink of an all-out war designed to head off the American destiny.. Nay, the American way of life.

So take up arms my American brethren. Root out the Canadian Jihadists and Infidels. Lock them in prison camps as Americans are so proud to do. Let the Canadian mujahadeen know that the United States won’t be taking any of their Maple-Syrup-loving, Curling-as-a-sport-playing, 10-more-yards-on-the-football-field-needing, state-funded-medical-benefits-having, monopoly-money-carrying, freaky-way-of-saying-“aboot”-speaking diabolical tyrannist threat.

Wait… I am a Canadian living in the United States…. NEVERMIND!!!!

(As an act of mercy please lock me up in “Prison-World” in a cell with a communal door to Pam Anderson…. PLEASE!!??!!)

Tyrrany in a Utopian Society

Posted

Mood: Tyrranical..., Music: Stompie and the BlowDarts...

As I am, according to some individuals, a God in my own mind, I have decided to undertake the creation of the perfect society. It will be free of turmoil and strife; an utopist dream of classless wonderment and complete integration regardless of age, gender, and pedigree. It will be a resounding success, heralded throughout the cosmos as a model of how a civilization should conduct itself. It will be perfect, even if I have to crush every single last one of you until you submit to my will.

The main trappings of our modern society lie in the structure of our government, class warfare, and religious ideology. Freeing the mind of the slavery these concepts brings forth a new freedom. Many have attempted to conceptualize the model I speak of, and a few have put into practice their own beliefs. They failed only due to a lack of desire to bring about the perfect society by use of force; this is a failing I refuse to repeat.

The primary failing of every attempt towards a Utopian society has been the necessity for governance. Oversight becomes overly burdensome when free will is allowed to run amok. Therefore, the entire structure of government will be removed from the doctrine of perfection, replaced by my overwhelming genius. To understand how this will function requires faith and trust in my desire for success, and a small stretch of your imagination.

Government is nothing more than control, and very inefficient control at that. Every government on the planet has large sums of resources expended to ensure that government functions. If government can be removed, these inefficiencies disappear. However, the loss of government control could lead to anarchy without that vacancy filled. Therefore, I shall fill the void left in the absence of government. Any dissenting opinions will be considered a threat to the society, and the dissenters will be imprisoned for life.

Another fundamental flaw in our current systems is the need for the hierarchy in social membership. Wealth (and the lack there of) breeds contempt and ill-will among members, whose friction would be detrimental to our shared dream. Therefore, the need for a monetary system will be removed by having every individual share access to every resource. Reasonable limitations for the equal sharing of resources will be necessary, but limited only to avoid the extreme.

This poses a simple problem that requires a complex answer. Without the need for a monetary system productivity will vary between members, causing an indelicate balance that could rip the society apart at the seams. In fact, the desire to even undertake any employment would be severely crippled without some over-riding influence.

As is my humble nature, I am willing to make the sacrifice and become that influence without great fanfare. Every person has a calling in life, and it will be my position to determine what that calling is. If my determination is that a member would be best-served as a plumber, a plumber that person shall be. If a member looks like a garbage man, smells like a garbage man, and acts like a garbage man, his dreams shall be fulfilled. In order to maintain some form of checks and balances in my decision making process, there will be a three person panel of experts who will review any appeals. This body, known as Dan’s Stooges, will ensure that every decision I hand down is correct. For this sacrifice, I only ask for first pick of every resource for my own personal consumption and the opportunity to force my presence on any woman I choose.

Lastly, there is the influence of religion on our society. Simply put, your religion is wrong. I am the only true God, and I shall be treated as such. Failure to obey this simple commandment will be punishable by death, or any other twisted, maniacal, ingenious punishment I have a penchant for that week. (I always did enjoy the exploits of Vlad the Impaler.)

Are these the rants of an egomaniacal bi-polar lunatic you ask? Perhaps these are the dreams of an unqualified failure attempting to correct the sins of his past by establishing himself as a despot over all humanity you wonder? Maybe you believe that these are delusions of grandeur meant as nothing more than a water-tight seal created by the lid covering my Tupperware of mental deficiency, and this is another attempt to burp the extra air out?

WRONG! It is my perfect plan on how to live in a perfect society filled with nearly-perfect people guided by my perfect genius. I am a savant among the masses, and must be treated appropriately. Therefore, the mumblings of “crackpot”, “idiot”, and “two Great Lakes short of a North American Continent” are completely unfounded and will result in severe persecution.

I mean prosecution. Not persecution. That is the wrong word. Just a Freudian slip, honest. I mean, I’m not a dictator, nor do I believe I have absolute right to take away your free will. You all love and adore me, right? I am as close to a Ferris Bueller-like being on this planet, you all see my antics as comical and borne of a superior mind, and therefore submit your free will for my approval by default. If that is not what you believe, as the Supreme Being on this planet I command you to now believe it as the truth!

Straightening Things Out

Posted

Mood: Quadra-Apathetic
I would like to set the record straight on a couple of issues. Being a Canadian, I am often the target of nationality-based racism, and I can no longer hold in the anger I feel towards certain comments. To all of you that have made Canadian comments of a racist nature, please read below;

#1 - I did NOT grow up in an igloo. That is a near-sighted thoughtless comment based on ignorance. In fact, had it not been for the Summer home by the lake my brother and I so enjoyed visiting in our early years, I never would have seen an igloo in my lifetime.

#2 - I do not say "Aboot" unless I am speaking of a singular foot covering. If I hear one more person ask me to say "aboot" they will be removing one from their posterior.

#3 - I do not say "eh?" after every sentence. In fact, I don't say "eh?" at all. I resided in Florida for a time where I discovered that saying "eh?" brought about the worst service on the planet. Apparently there is the mistaken belief that Canadians are bad tippers, which of course is its own self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a bad tipper because I'm a selfish prick, not do to my heritage.

#4 - Not all Canadians play hockey. Sure, I played for a bunch of years, and so did my brother. My sister did play ringette, which is girl hockey. But all that is just a coincendence. (We MUCH prefer curling.)

#5 - I have never ridden a dog sled to school. Sure, there was the one time that I tied the dog's leash to my sled and let him drag me around for 1,800 kilometers... But school didn't start for another week and I was bored of making snowmen.

#6 - Canadian money is only worth 90% of what US money is worth.  It's actually worth more now.  Once you finish paying the sales taxes and income taxes and the cost of living increases it's actually worth about 90.0000001% of the American Dollar.

#7 - I do not sing Anne Murray songs in the shower or watch Gordon Lightfoot concert reruns every Thanksgiving. (Although who could possibly ignore the anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald and not break into song?)

I hope these lessons will not be lost on you. Learn them well. For one day the Canadians will take over, and then you'll be quite screwed if you don't treat them nice, won't ya eh?

Stepping into the Legal Arena

Posted

Mood: Chaotic, Music: Spam and the Spamtones
As by my very nature I am arguementative and have a position on every subject, I have decided to step into the legal arena and cash in on the vast amounts of wealth that exist as a personal injury attorney.

My first lawsuit will be against the creators of that commercial that has police pulling over those three vehicles that are filled to the driver's neck with alcohol. Am I against the police catching drunk drivers? No. Am I against the wasting of alcohol as it pours onto the street when they open their windows and doors? No. What am I against is racial profiling, and all three of these victims are white males. Apparantly only white males drink and drive, and do such to excess. As a white male, I have been harmed greatly by this interpretation of my gender and race, and seek monetary compensation for my hardship.

To really cash in I require some assistance. I require several dozen females to state that they were disturbed to learn that only white males were depicted in that commercial, and that is gender biased. We will fill a class-action lawsuit seeking damages on your behalf.

People of all races can cash in as well. According to this commercial, only white males get in their cars after a party. Do all the other races not own cars? Are white males the only group capable of driving a vehicle after a dozen alcoholic beverages? Again, this is racially biased, and you have been harmed by it.

I also require assistance from the following groups;

Midgets, homosexuals, rednecks, police officers, people into beasiality, homophobes, people who think Pepsi tastes better than Coke, teenagers, the elderly, Jerry Springer guests, football fans, people from Mexico visiting the US, Jews, and women who masturbate while watching The Price Is Right.

On a side note, I noticed an addition to one of my least-favorite commercials the other day. It is for the Herpes Control drug Valtrex, which is always a great subject to bring up while watching TV with your significant other. The addition however is the wording "Valtrex only protects Hetrosexual users".

I will let you digest the full weight of that statement on your own.

Lessons I've Learned While Smoking... Part A

Posted

Mood: Horny, Music: Porn Background Music...
So I was having a conversation with somebody the other day about smoking cigarettes right down to the filter. They said they hated the taste they get when they smoke a cigarette that far, although I thought it was rather ametuerish that they wasted a good 1/8" of tobacco.

It got me thinking... What lessons have I learned while smoking? What wisdom can I pass on to the masses that would make a difference in their lives? How could I be a motivator towards change for someone needing a life validation?

And then it happened... I was sitting on the front steps of the house puffing away when this gorgeous woman in a bikini top and sony tiny skirt thing started jogging down my street... There was no way I wasn't saying hi to this woman... I didn't care if she had a pit bull the size of a Llama... This woman was going to talk to me...

So I stubbed out my cigarette and started walking towards my car, which put me perfectly in her path... As she got closer I said hi, and she slowed down... I started with the typical "Great weather we're having, isn't it?"... She jogged in place... Jogging in place while you're that well put together should be illegal... But I digress...

So she asked what I was doing, and I stated that I was just outside "having a smoke"... DoH!!! The woman was JOGGING!!! She was OBVIOUSLY a health freak of some sort... And I just told her I was smoking...

"Too bad" she said as she jogged away.... And yes, I stared at her ass....

The lesson in this story??? If you see a gorgeous scantily-clad woman jogging in your neighborhood, tell her the smurf quit smoking and to come say hi sometime....

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Posted

Mood: Sarcastic, Music: Break Stuff...
I am not here to make me look good...  I'm here to make the rest of you look better...  :-P