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Functional words

Posted

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit,
or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in
a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the
English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit ; or not do so if you don't give a shit!


Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to
catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

comments1 comment

blondes

Posted

  FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and
I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
Have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed................










"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
comments3 comments

What can I say??????

Posted

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and
bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll
of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist;
rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby... Southern Girl
needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her
winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were
watching."


Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men.. are well....men
comments0 comments

Gender of Non Living Things )

Posted

Gender of Non Living Things )

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male,
didn't you?  But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push , he keeps trying.

Pass these on to both male and female friends of yours so that they can have a chuckle too.


comments1 comment

Dad's Poem....I never post this type of thing

Posted

Her hair was up in a pony tail,



her favorite dress tied with a bow.



Today was Daddy's Day at school,



and she couldn't wait to go.



But her mommy tried to tell her,



that she probably should stay home.



Why the kids might not understand,



if she went to school alone.



But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.



What to tell her



classmates of why he wasn't there today.



But still her mother worried,



for her to face this day alone.



And that was why once again,



she tried to keep her daughter home.



But the little girl went to school



eager to tell them all.



About a dad she never sees;



a dad who never calls.



There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet.



Children squirming impatiently,



anxious in their seats



One by one the teacher called a student from the class.



To introduce



their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.



At last the teacher called her name,



every child turned to stare.



Each of them was searching,



for a man who wasn't there.



"Where's her daddy at?"



she heard a boy call out.



"She probably doesn't have one,"



another student dared to shout.



And from somewhere near the back,



she heard a daddy say,



"Looks like another deadbeat dad,



too busy to waste his day."



The words did not offend her,



as she smiled up at her Mom.



And looked back at her teacher,



who told her to go on.



And with hands behind her back,



slowly she began to speak.



And out from the mouth of a child,



came words incredibly unique.



"My Daddy couldn't be here,



because he lives so far away.



But I know he wishes he could be,



since this is such a special day.



And though you cannot meet him,



I wanted you to know.



All about my daddy,



and how much he loves me so.



He loved to tell me stories



he taught me to ride my bike.



He surprised me with pink roses,



and taught me to fly a kite.



We used to share fudge sundaes,



and ice cream in a cone.



And though you cannot see him.



I'm not standing here alone.



"Cause my daddy's always with me,



even though we are apart



I know because he told me,



he'll forever be in my heart"





With that, her little hand reached up,



and lay across her chest.



Feeling her own heartbeat,



beneath her favorite dress.



And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,



her mother stood in tears.



Proudly watching her daughter,



who was wise beyond her years.





For she stood up for the love



of a man not in her life.



Doing what was best for her,



doing what was right.



And when she dropped her hand back down,



staring straight into the crowd.



She finished with a voice so soft,



but its message clear and loud.



"I love my daddy very much,



he's my shining star.



And if he could, he'd be here,



but heaven's just too far



You see he was a firefighter



and died just this past year



When airplanes hit the towers



and taught Americans to fear.



But sometimes when I close my eyes,



it's like he never went away."



And then she closed her eyes,



and she saw him there that day.



And to her mothers amazement,



she witnessed with surprise



A room full of daddies and children,



all starting to close their eyes.



Who knows what they saw before them,



who knows what they felt inside.



Perhaps for merely a second,



they saw him at her side.



"I know you're with me Daddy,"



to the silence she called out.



And what happened next made believers,



of those once filled with doubt.



Not one in that room could explain it,



for each of their eyes had been closed.



But there on the desk beside her,



was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.



And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,



by the love of her shining star.



And given the gift of believing,



that heaven is never too far.






They say it takes a minute to find a special



person, an hour to appreciate them,



a day to love them, but then an entire



life to forget them.




REPOST THIS to SHOW APPRECIATION


for the people you'll never forget .



It's a short message to let them know



that you'll never forget them.
comments2 comments

Aaah, Memories

Posted

I recall my first time with a condom. I was young.
I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and
she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the
package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No". So she unwrapped the
package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and
secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she
Looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back
room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She
unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I
was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her
panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on, " she
insisted, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow,! I
was done within a minute. She looked at me with a
frown.

"Did you put that condom on?"

I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show
her.
comments3 comments

Celebrity Quotes

Posted



13) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships." (Sharon Stone)

12) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
(Barbara Bush, Former US First Lady)

11) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word , meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)

10) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)

9) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)

8) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger)

7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading."
(Steve Jobs, Founder: Apple Computer)

6) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather, News anchorman)

5) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwartzenegger)

4) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

3) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)

2) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course,
men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)

1) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God
gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one
at a time. (Robin Williams)


comments2 comments
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