Ahhh .. the joy of being retired!

Posted

i think the spied on me in the shower.. bastards!!!

Posted

how friggin true.

Posted

Political orientation

Posted

Mood: quasi happy, Music: online- Brad paisley

Subject: USA Pollitical Attitudes

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do? 

   ................................................................
 

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:















Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. 

 .....................................................................................................................

  Republican's Answer:


   BANG!

   .....................................................................................................................

  Southerner's Answer:

 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

dumb jokes- frieman started this shit

Posted

Mood: quasi happy
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

Funny shit!

Posted

Mood: giddy as hell

>>> > A  couple was going out for the evening. They were ready, all
>>> > dolled
>>>up,
>> > >>>dog
>> > >>>put out, etc.
>> > >>>The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots
>> > >>>back in
>>the
>> > >>>house. They don't want the dog shut in the house,so the wife
>> > >>>goes out
>>to
>> > >>>the
>> > >>>taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
>> > >>>The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty
>> > >>>explains
>>to
>> > >>>the
>> > >>>taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
>> > >>>mother."
>>A
>> > >>>few
>> > >>>minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under
>> > >>>the
>>bed
>> > >>>and
>> > >>>I
>> > >>>had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then
>> > >>>I had
>>to
>> > >>>wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me
>> > >>>as I hauled her downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She
>> > >>>better not shit
>>in
>> > >>>the
>> > >>>vegetable garden again!"
>> > >>>
>> > >>>The silence in the cab was deafening.

perfect gift for the wife!

Posted

Subject: Taser Gun Purchase

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy
who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO

COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave.
>   >
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
>   >
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
>   > really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
>   > must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
>   > and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
>   > to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did<
> BR>> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>   >
>   > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>   > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>   > hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>   > would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>   > supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
>   > three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>   > ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
>   > would be wasting the batteries.
>   >
>   > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
>   > less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
>   > two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible
>   > way!"
>   >
>   > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>   > best.....
>   >
>   > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
>   > side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
>   > from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
>   > decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
>   > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>   > MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!
>   >
>   > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
>   > up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
>   > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
>   > position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
>   > testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
>   > the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
>   > me making meowing sounds I ha d never heard before, licking my face,
>   > undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>   >
>   > Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
>   > note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
>   > zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
>   > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
>   > second burst would be considered conservative.
>   >
>   > SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
>   > sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
>   > (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
>   > reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
>   > get there???
>   >
>   > My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
>   > felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
>   > 88 l bs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
>   > reward for their safe return.
>   >
>   > Still in shock,
>   > Tommy
>   

ya gotta love kids!

Posted

> "Hello?"
> >
> > "Hi honey.
> >
> > This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
> >
> > "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
> >
> > After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got
> >an Uncle Paul."
> >
> > "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right
> >now."
> >
> > Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
> >
> > Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the
> >bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the
> >driveway."
> >
> > "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
> >
> > A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
> >
> > "I did it Daddy."
> >
> > "And what happened honey?" he asked.
> >
> > "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
> >on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
> head on
> >the dresser
> > and now she isn't moving at all!"
> >
> > "Oh my God!!!
> >
> > What about your Uncle Paul?"
> >
> > "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all
> >scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
> But
> >I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
> it.
> >
> > He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
> >
> > ***Long Pause***
> >
> > ***Longer Pause***
> >
> > ***Even Longer Pause***
> >
> > Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............
> >
> > Is this 486-5731?"
> >
>
>
>

tree hugger

Posted

> While walking through the woods in Burlington Vermont a man came upon > another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. > > Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you > doing? > > "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. > > "You gotta be kiddin' me." > > "No, would you like to give it a try?" > > Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his > arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. > > With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his > wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. > > Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy > handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened > to you?" > > He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. > > When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in > sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and > said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day."

for the ladies (and guys with a sens of humor)

Posted

> >Subject: For the girls (and the guys with the sense of humor)
> >
> >
> >One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
>Sweat-shirt.
> >
> >Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What
> >
> >setting do I use on the washing machine?"
> >
> >
> >
> >"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
> >
> >
> >
> >He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
> >
> >
> >
> >And they say blondes are dumb...
> >
> >  -----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
> >
> >
> >
> >"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
> >
> >
> >
> >The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
> >
> >  -----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out
>of
> >the shower,
> >
> >"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed  the
>lawn
> >like this?"
> >
> >
> >
> >"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> >
> >She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I
>sit
> >on the sofa and fart.
> >
> >  -----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> >
> >A: A rumor
> >
> >  -----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
>wedding
> >anniversary.
> >
> >On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because
>they
> >had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
> >
> >The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
> >
> >Whoosh!! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
> >
> >The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
> >
> >Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
> >
> >Gotta love that fairy!
> >
> >  -----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Dear Lord,
> >
> >I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
> >
> >Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
> >
> >Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
> >
> >I'll beat him to death.
> >
> >AMEN
> >
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Q: Why do little boys whine?
> >
> >A: They are practicing to be men.
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
> >
> >A: Trustworthy.
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and
> >calling your name?
> >
> >A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
> >
> >A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> >
> >A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Send this to all your women friends.
> >
> >And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to
take
>it!
> >
> >