There, it's settled. Everybody running is qualified. Get over it. Please note that it does not say anything about having experience. Look where experience has gotten us so far…into debt and into a war.

It does not state anything about religion. You do NOT have to be a christian to be president. I hope that Obama wins and then announces that he is, in fact, a muslim. Then maybe people will see that muslim does not equal american hating terrorist anymore than Ted Kacynski or David Koresh represented christian values. Maybe McCain will win and announce he's an atheist or better yet a pagan. Then people can see that pagan does not equal devil worshiper. Separation of church and state…look it up.

Abortion is not a political issue, it's a legal one. Roe vs. Wade…look it up.

I don't like Sarah Palain but I could care less how much money she spent on clothes. What she does with her personal money is her business…just like what I do with my paycheck is mine. It makes my skin crawl to see or hear Bush, Jr. but I also don't care how he pronounces nuclear. It's just not important…although it is kinda funny.

So…obviously I qualify to run for president. After I win, some things will change. Here they are. This is not an all inclusive list of course….but it's a start.

Free unlimited gummi bears for everyone. (a few exceptions are noted below)

The south lawn will become an animal sanctuary.

The Dalai Lama will be my foreign affairs dude. All of my friends can choose their cabinet positions. Sorry…personal foot massager to the president has already been filled by Johnny Depp. I wish George Carlin and Jeff were still alive…I have places for them.

The white house will be painted purple.

Teachers and professional athletes will exchange salaries.

Welfare is still in, if you need help. If you have ever been referred to as "Baby Mama" or "Baby Daddy"…sorry, nothing for you. Except possibly some condoms but no gummi bears.

Every third Thursday of the month will be National Appreciate the Gummi Bear day.

You can have as many guns as you want. No bullets. Use the gummi bears for ammo.

If it's an all out war you may substitute the gummi bears for Jello Jiggler Eggs, for use in larger weapons. If you add some Everclear to them, nobody will care or even remember why they were fighting to begin with. Seriously, we did this a few easters ago. We added too much Everclear…we found out the hard way that it's not the same recipe as for Jello shots. So we threw them at each other instead. It was great. Those Jigglers can really hurt too…so bombs away. 

All disagreements between parties will be settled in the white house garden with water balloons. Everclear could come in handy here too. 

Utah will be blocked off…all racists and other hateful people will be sent there. They don't get gummi bears either.  Kansas is looking like we might need it for the stupid people of the world…rage committee will have the deciding vote on the qualifications for this. They may have gummi bears, it will keep them from speaking. We may need to appropriate other states as the need arises but for now…all non racists, please vacate Utah and all non stupid people, please vacate Kansas. We need the space. You can relocate to Hawaii.  I'll send the plane for you.

Congress will be replaced with Ms. Decker's fourth grade class. 

There will be no presidential turkey to parade around or pardon on Thanksgiving . The only turkey will be at the animal sanctuary, no axes allowed.  The American Indians will have full run of the white house on Thanksgiving. No axes.  

All holidays will be recognized and celebrated. Including but not even close to being limited to…Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Winter Solstice (Yule), Kwanzaa, Diwali etc. You don't have to participate but you can still get the day off from work and school. Hey, you may even learn something. All of the above referenced holidays involve some kick ass food too. Sorry, but your bank will be closed and you won't get your bills in the mail that day.

Halloween will be celebrated in schools. Kids will dress up and get candy. Period. 

Marry whoever (or is it whomever...who or whom cares?) you want to...just stick to your own species, leave your relatives alone and make sure everybody involved is above legal age.