A kiss is just a kiss....Or is it?

Posted Nov 11 at 11:10 AM

I was having a discussion last night, with a male friend of mine, about the fine art of kissing. (Don't get any idea's. I've known him since I was ten years old).
The perfect kiss, according to him, is best described this way;

"To kiss well, one must imagine that the mouth is a sexual organ. THEN, imagine that it's your ONLY sexual organ. I don't want to be merely kissed. I want someone to make love to my mouth"

Holy shit!! DING,DING,DING. HORNINESS ALERT!!!

Any other time I would be keeled over laughing at the cornyness of that statement. But right now? I want me some of that mouth sexin!

I think if guys put more effort into their kissing technique, treated it more like a main course than an entree, they'd get a whole lot more sex.
A bad kiss is hard to forgive. Slobbing all over a person, swallowing their face, a tongue that chokes you, bad breath or tight lips. Just arrgghhh!!! There's no need for that. Get some practice. Take your cue from the person you're kissing. Do they seem to be enjoying it? If not ask why. Ask them how they like to be kissed.

Personally, I'm a huge fan of the teasing kiss. Not too much tongue, lots of lip action, the odd gentle bite, soft, sensual, slow kisses, ( is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?) But then there are the porno kisses. They too have their place, when you're hot and frantic and can't control yourself!!! Don't ignore other area's either. A kiss on the base of the throat, that soft spot behind the ears, the nape of the neck, the wrists. And if you're about to get lucky you just have to kiss the backs of the knees ( yes you read it right, try it) the soft curving underside of the breast, the belly, the inner thigh.....................................Talk amongst yourselves for a minute, I'm off to the eerrrr, bathroom.

4 comments

Midweek Whatevers #2501

Posted Nov 6 at 11:25 AM

* I have a hot tip for the ladies. Declare yourself a MFZ (man free zone, for those that don't know) and the fella's will be tripping over themselves to get to you. I'm projecting a "fuck off" aura, and they LOVE it. They must see it as a challenge, or maybe they're just masochists at heart. I'm telling you it works. Appear disinterested, and the dolts can't get enough. Stupid men!

* So my friend is still screwing her 17 year old boy toy. They don't go out much ( I think he has a curfew baaahhahaha) and they're not vertical very often, but damn she's having a great time. I saw her yesterday and she could hardly walk. Gotta love that.

* Question. Why is there still a chick "co-host" on Wheel of fortune? I was home early enough to watch this shit the other night and the letters on the board light up by themselves, it's electronic and shit, very digital age. So what is the point of the chick dressed in an evening gown, smiling like a loon on crack and clapping like a trained seal as she pretends to light up the letters??? Eye candy you say? Well I say, that the majority of the people watching at this time would be female ( ok I don't know the demographic, I'm guessing it's harassed moms cooking dinner and helping the kids with homework after their dose of Bold and the Beautiful), So what about something for the ladies? How about some buff half nekkid dude as the pretend letter turner?? And why oh why is the gay game show music still the same as it was back in 1982?? The prizes are worth the same as they were back then too. PLUS I think it's rigged. I think the wheel is computerized and they stop it where they want to. Bankrupting every poor bastard who looks like their getting close to winning something decent. Conspiracy theory!!! Look out, I may be on to something here.
Ok, enough of that. I'm talking shit again.

* Today I had a slight wardrobe malfunction with my bra. I have a favorite, the ladies know what I'm talking about, every chick has a favorite that they wear to death. It just has the perfect cut, feel, and makes the twins look ultra hot. It's not the most attractive bra I own but seeing as how I'm in a MFZ, I don't have to do the matching bra/undies thing. Anyway, tis my very favorite and today the underwire snapped under the left boobie. OUCH much! I had a ragged piece of metal stabbing me all morning. It was unbearable. I had no choice but to go to the restroom and remove the offending jubbly stabber. Only problem then was that it left me a little lopsided. I was off kilter, unbalanced, out of whack. One boobie was sitting a little higher in the saddle than the other. Gah! So I went and got my scissors, cut a hole in the other side and pulled that underwire out too. Much better. I was having a good feel to make sure they were even when one of my co-workers walked in. She didn't bat an eyelid. What do I have to do to shock people around here?? I think they're used to me now.

* Speaking of my inability to throw my fave bras out... I have something else I hoard, and I'm hoping by outing myself, I can clear up this filthy habit. I have a make-up drawer filled with remenants from when I was like 15! I can't throw that shit out. If a tube of concealer even has a tiny drop in the bottom, then it's relegated to the drawer. It can be as crusty as your nanna's knickers, but I just can't throw it out. This used to drive my ex boyfriend (friends with benefits now? I seriously do not know where we stand) insane. He called it a toxic waste dump and attempted to clean it out on many occasions. Never succeeded though. Muahahaha!

* I'm not a morning person. In fact. I could be a Vampire. Not because I have a penchant for drinking blood, but because I truly do not wake up till the evening. I work two jobs and a full-time student, as you know, and my day job passes in a blur of blogs, forums, surfing for free porn and trying desperately to stay awake.
By the time my second job starts I'm WIDE awake and can take on the world. All the caffeine I ingest all day finally kicks in and I'm bouncing off the walls. I'm just like an ADD crack whore after a fix. I heart you Coffee and caffeine loaded, sugary drinks. Mwah!

* Summer is over and the cooler months are coming. We all know what winter means. Right? No? Let me enlighten you. Winter means BOOOOOOTS! Frickin YAY! I currently only own 12 pairs but I shall endeavor to add to the collection this year.
Nothing says "Kick arse" like a killer pair of high heeled boots. I fucking STRUT in a pair of boots. I'm all " Get outta my way mofo or I'll crush you like a bug".......till I trip over and break an ankle. You know twisting an ankle in boots hurts waaaay more than in normal heels. But I digress. I'm loving the skinny jeans tucked into boots. It's very urban cowgirl. Yeeeeehawww!
Now don't get me wrong. Skinny jeans are still all WRONG. You have to be anorexic to look even half decent in them, BUT, if I have my boots on, I don't give a rats how I look. Try it. Boots are fucking wonderful.

*Don't you hate it when you've brushed your teeth, headed off to work and then about 11am, you notice a spot of toothpaste on your clothes? It tends to look like a glob of dried up....err... well, it's the Monica Lewinsky look really. But maybe that's just me. ;)

*I heart IKEA. I can spend hours and hours, nay, I can spend DAYS in this super store. Going through those miniature housey set ups is the shit. HOWEVER, as much as I love the store, I really detest finding a flat bed cart ( wrestling it off someone else), hauling down my desired item in the warehousey part, spending an eon in a queue to pay, lugging that crap out to my car, finding that no matter how I shove, squeeze or push, that the said item is not going to fit in my car, then having to take it back into the store to arrange a home delivery, paying through the nose for this service, waiting days for it to arrive, THEN the worst part. Trying to put that shit together. I lose a whole day pouring over the instructions, getting it wrong every time, shoving the whole lot back in the box (sorta, cuz you just know that bastard aint going in the way it came out), waiting for a handy type friend to come along and set it up, then deciding I don't like the look of it in my home. Fecking miniature housey set ups, give us all false hope. Gah! On second thoughts I take it back. IKEA you suck dogs balls!

* Two people I'm hating on at work this week; RAY- He calls everyone "champ". Be they male, female, the old and infirm (not that we have any old and infirm, just sayin) managers or plebs like me, everyone is fecking "champ". It shits me to tears. So I decided every time he called me champ, I'd say it right back to him and punch him in the arm to illustrate my "champness". The fucker is either gonna stop calling me that, or have me charged with assault. Either way.
Next is Trish- This knobgobbler has breath that smells like bin juice. Seriously, I'd sooner try to scoop my kidneys out with a blunt spoon than talk to her. I offer her Tic Tacs and chewing gum to no avail. She's thick as two short planks and can't take a fricken hint! I may have to don a gas mask to converse with her if she doesn't sort her death breath out soon!

*Finally, to all you foot fetish people that keep messaging me. I do not share your penchant for feet. I like SHOES ok. SHOES! As in the things that cover feet. I will not send you my shoes, hosiery or sweat from said feet ( yes you read it right. SWEAT. How would one go about collecting that anyway??) for any price. That is just nasty!
Next message/email I get like that, I'm going to post it right here, Reezle username included.

*that's all.

8 comments

Gotta love kids.

Posted Nov 4 at 10:26 AM

I heard the funniest vibrator story yesterday and I just have to share it. My five year old nephew found "mommy's little helper" whilst playing hide and seek. He had climbed onto the top shelf in her walk-in closet when he made the discovery under some storage boxes.

He walked out with it in his hand and said, "What's this?". Luckily, the other boys were still hiding and my brother and sister-in-law were the only ones to witness it.

"It's errrr....aahhh....It's a massager" Sister-in-law said. Gotta give her points for thinking on the hop and technically, she's not really lying. She snatched it from him and shoved it in her handbag. My brother didn't know whether to laugh or call in the psych docs to assess his child. But my nephew was totally unfazed. He shrugged his shoulders and said quite matter of factly,
"It looks like a penis"
And ran off to play.

Baaaaaaaaaahahahaha! Thank you politically correct schooling that teaches children the correct names for their "private parts"

Out of the mouths of babes.
Girls, keep your toys well hidden.
Have a good Tuesday!

7 comments

There Goes The neighborhood!

Posted Oct 31 at 9:00 AM

Thursday night, I had a few friends over, we were just having some drink and a laugh, trying to decide what to do with our evening. I was surfing the blogs and reading out a few of the funny or retarded ones, when I came across a post the was both. A blogger had posted a cracker about blogging superhero's, asking people to sign up to be a part of the goof troop. (Think about it. Bloggers taking over the world, all wearing spandex and a towel for a cape). Anyway, I showed the girls and we decided that would be our theme for the evening. Yes we were very bored, and needed inspiration.
So about a bottle and a half of Vodka later, we were the Super Tards, or Tard Troop for short. Leaders of planet Tardis Moronicus. Our job, to save the world, or maybe just find the good shoe sales and do makeovers and shit. Either way.

Instead of a cape, we'd have awesome fucking shoes. Our theme song was Franz Ferdinands, "Do you wanna" and we cranked it to get in the mood. Seriously, If you ever want to try being a superhero, you HAVE to incorporate that song. Will get you in the mood guaranteed.

So we flew ( staggered) to our local and made it our mission to drop many hints to unsuspecting patrons, that they were in the midst of beings not from this world. That tonight, they were lucky enough to be sharing breathing space with superhero royalty.

We danced, we drank, we dropped crazy statements into boring conversations. One dude asked me what line of work I was in and I casually replied, " Oh you know, saving lives, busting crime rings, keeping the streets safe"
"Ah, you're a cop then" Said he.
" Pfft, No! I'm a super fucking hero"
He continued to buy me drinks. I think he was in awe.

Sonya was complimented on her fabulous shoes ( Prada slides for those playing at home) by some random chick, who wanted to know where she got them. Without missing a beat, Sonya replied that she flew home to Tardis in her invisible jet, and the shoes were made out of Kryptonite. The random chick then wanted to buy some drugs from her! Gawd! Like superhero's do drugs. We're freakin role models people!!

We had a couple of likely guys from LA, who practically came in their pants talking about their "million dollar deal" and other monetary blah-di-blahs. They soon shut up when we told them that Super Tards have no interest in such wankery. If they wanted to impress us they'd have to get into some spandex and wear their undies on the outside. They continued to buy us drinks too. People just love us Super Tards I tell ya. (Actually, we had to run away from those dudes, they were wanting to become Super Tards by association and had called "their driver" to take us to their " executive Suite") Eeek! We'd be tarnished, our powers would diminish, so we quickly flew back to the hideout- we snuck out of the club, crawled, staggered, walked sideways to the cab and headed back to my place, where we did what all good Super Tards do. Got into our lingerie and had a pillow fight! Baaahaha! No, we danced to our theme song till we could dance no more, and laughed our arses off at the blog inspired shenanigans.

So remember. Next time you're out partaying and you see some chicks with fabulous fucking shoes. You just might have had an encounter with the Super Tards.

Faster than a crack whore snorts a line of Coke
More powerful than the lure of a Jimmy Choo shoe sale
Able to leap long bar queues in a single bound.
Look to the dance floor
Is it a bird? ( No fool. What would a fecking bird be doing in the club?)
Is it a plane? ( If it is, I'm getting the hell outta there these pills are tripping me out)
It's THE SUPER TARDS!!
Strange visitors from planet Tardis who came to earth with powers and abilities
beyond those of mortal morons
SUPER TARDS, who can evade cover charges and queue jump
and snap door bitches with our bare hands
And who, disguised as your everyday boozehags or
Mild mannered beeotches
Fight a never ending battle for unlimited supplies of Vodka
Stiletto shoes for all
And the Tardis Moronicus way.

4 comments

Gay or just a gentleman?

Posted Oct 30 at 12:59 PM

There's a chick at work who's been dating a guy for 2 months. He's a bit of a hottie and we, (other nosy female staffers) have been wondering, what he's like in the sack, as you do. We thought she was doing the " I don't shag and brag" thing, so we held our tongues and let our imaginations do the rest......hrmmmm.......Sorry my mind was wandering.

Anyway, yesterday, over a few lunch time vino's, she tearfully told us that they were yet to do the deed. Her self esteem was taking a huge battering as a result.

Now according to her, they get along well, have the same interests, sense of humor, they never run out of conversation.

They kiss, they fool around, get hot and heavy and then....Nothing. It doesn't go any further. She's hinted that she's more than ready for the next step, she's gone down the seduction path and practically dragged him to the bedroom, but at crunch time, he always makes some excuse and puts a halt to proceedings.
Physically he appears to desire her (she's caught him ogling her when he thought she wasn't looking, he tells her how hot she is, he does get a boner when they kiss etc) So what's the friggin problem???

My advice was to straight out, ask him what the go is. She refuses to because, and I quote, "I don't want to seem like I'm gagging for it". And she wants things to progress "naturally".

So this morning I asked a few of my male friends and they could find only two possibilities. 1) He's obviously gay. 2) he has a pin dick or other penile dysfunctions that embarrass him.
From what my friend can ascertain though, he is NOT a pin dick. That leaves the gay option. Would a gay man even enjoy kissing and fondling a woman? So I ask my resident expert on all things homo ( by the way he's going to be on a major float at the Mardi Gras this year (t one in SD). Go Adam whoo hoooo) And he assured me that unless the guy was soooo far in the closet, he's frolicking in the snow of Narnia, that he wouldn't enjoy tangling with female bits.

So what's the story? Could it merely be that he's one of these rare breed of men, who actually like to wait until they're sure of the relationship before having sex? Maybe he's waiting for "the one"?? Everyone's sexpectations are different. I know some people who f*** in lieu of shaking hands, and that's fine if that's your thing. It just seems odd that a guy wouldn't take up the offer of sex on a platter. I know these guys DO exist, ( I'm well read ya know) but personally I've never met one.

Whatever the reason, she's starting to question the "relationship". She's extremely horny now that she's not getting it, and not feeling very desirable right now.

So is he gay, or is he a gentleman?

6 comments

I must be getting old!

Posted Oct 27 at 11:27 PM

I had an absolutely crappy weekend for the second week in a row! The weekend lords are hating on me right now. Bastards! Either that or I think I'm getting old and cranky!

Firstly I've had enough of mind games and bullshit. My tolerance levels have dropped considerably and if you want to play games or be the star of your own soap opera, then I don't have time for you anymore! I have enough dramas in my own life without playing a supporting role in yours.

I'm also thinking, after Saturday night, that I'm over the whole club/chaos thing. It got a bit messy that night. But a friend of a friend, I'll call her Amanda, because, well, that's her name, got herself in a whole world of pain.

You know how you have your core group of friends, then the ones I refer to as the "fringe dwellers", you hang out occasionally, but only in large groups of people, and then the fringe dwellers have their own sub-group of friends? Well, Amanda is in that group.

She's a bad, bad, druggie. Snorts, pops, and sometimes injects. A space cadet of the highest order. She makes me uncomfortable because I'm never sure what particular type of mood altering substance she's on or when she'll grow a second head and start speaking in tongues. So I avoid her if I can. Saturday night, somehow, I ended up babysitting this mess of humanity. I don't know quite how it happened, but suddenly I was her new best friend. She latched onto me like crabs on a hooker.

She was speeding off her head that night and by the time we hit the Shark's bar, the fringe dwellers had ditched her. Yay. Wonderful.

Highlights included her falling off every barstool, chair, lounge and even sliding down a wall, flashing her twat repeatedly to the amused onlookers. I swear she could NOT keep her freakin legs together. Annie and I had to sit either side of her to keep her knees together and keep her upright.
Rescuing her from predatory males who kept trying to lure her away with promises of drugs, booze and orgies.
Apologizing to every person she insulted, fell over, or spilt a drink on.
And the BEST bit. Having to crawl under a toilet stall door to unlock it for her. She completely lost the plot in the bathroom, scratching, kicking and bashing the door in a flat panic. We told HER to crawl underneath but she was too hysterical.

Yes we tried to get her to go home, we tried to put her in a taxi, but the cab driver was having none of it. So we had to get in with her and physically take her home.
She still lives with her parents ( it's an expensive drug habit she has) and instead of them being grateful to us for bringing her home alive, they didn't even thank us before slamming the door in our face! NICE!

Next weekend I think I'll stay home and knit or something. Soooo over it.

6 comments

A kiss is just a kiss....Or is it?

Posted Nov 11 at 11:10 AMlocalDatewithTime("Tue, 11 Nov 2008 11:10:05 -0800","ilj0h");

Midweek Whatevers #2501

Posted Nov 6 at 11:25 AMlocalDatewithTime("Thu, 06 Nov 2008 11:25:49 -0800","zkld0");

Gotta love kids.

Posted Nov 4 at 10:26 AMlocalDatewithTime("Tue, 04 Nov 2008 10:26:43 -0800","yoxyo");

There Goes The neighborhood!

Posted Oct 31 at 9:00 AMlocalDatewithTime("Fri, 31 Oct 2008 09:00:25 -0700","ehs6l");

Gay or just a gentleman?

Posted Oct 30 at 12:59 PMlocalDatewithTime("Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:59:09 -0700","wxw02");