Reasons I'm an idiot #4
Posted Jul 3 at 7:31 PM
When I shared an apartment with Emily we were always really bad at remembering to change the batteries in our smoke alarms. Often it would get to the stage where they would beep incessantly before we could be bothered to do it. Being that one of the alarms was right outside Emily's bedroom door, she would normally be the one to shut the stupid thing up. (seriously you could burn toast and it would go off. Annoying much). So when she went away for a few weeks with her boyfriend and the stupid thing started to beep for no reason again, it was up to me to change it.
Being the lazy biatch I am, I would just punch the button a few times till it stopped and vow to get new batteries the next day. Whatever, I never remembered.
One day I came home from work and noticed that the balcony door to my apartment was opened. Strange, I was pedantic about locking that door. (At the time single OC women in the area where I lived, were under attack from a cat burglar, it was in all the papers so I was super paranoid) On closer inspection I noticed that the lock had actually been taken OUT! Holy shit! I started to back up. Scared that somebody could be in my apartment. That's when I noticed the smoke alarms had been removed from the ceiling! WTF? Weird things were going through my mind. Why would somebody breaking in do that? I had a quick search around to see if anything was missing. Nope. Everything somebody would steal was still there.
I then noticed a white piece of paper on the coffee table. Curiouser and curiouser! It read.
Dear tenant,
Today your smoke alarm was going off for quite a long time. A neighbor fearing fire and that you may be inside called us. The Garden Grove Fire Department. Unfortunately we had to remove the balcony lock to get inside. You should ring your landlord to get that fixed as well as your smoke alarms which are faulty. Sorry for the intrusion.
Fire chief
whateverhisnamewas.
Oh lordy. My face burned with embarrassment. I sat and laughed till I almost peed myself, then I could have cried, then I laughed again. Why? Not because the fire fighters had broken into my APARTMENT, but because the thing holding the note down on the coffee table was my BRIGHT FLUORESCENT YELLOW VIBRATOR!!!!!!
Oh the horror! What must they have thought??? Did they do anything weird with it? How would I know? Would they come back later to check out the horny ass, faulty smoke alarm owning retard who leaves her toys laying around????
Fucking mortified!
I had to get rid or it. I couldn't stand knowing they'd even seen it let alone what they might have done with it in my absence ( I don't know what they possibly would have, but one of them had obviously picked it up to put on top of the note) VIOLATED!!
Needless to say I don't leave BOB laying around anymore. Gave me a great excuse to buy another anyway. My bright purple, sparkly,waterproof one is much prettier!
Oh yeah, I always look after my smoke alarms now ;)
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So now the refuse engineers (garbage collectors) are trying to figure out who Bob belonged to. Why not try changing the batteries to the smoke alarms every 10th time you change the vibe batteries. OK I guess once a week is a bit of overkill. hehe