RELI is my <3
He asked me if I'm ever just happy.
The kind of happy where you dont realize you are smiling, but its unpreventable, and you are carefree. You are teeth and tears. You are touch and time.
I thought to myself, there is always deliberation in my happiness. I am not usually taken aback by joy, and I can't always laugh at the little things. Cats falling off window sills, people tripping over welcome mats. Spinach in my fathers teeth, kids singing loudly in their cars. It is the little things that decorate a day.
There are warning signs posted on nearly everything in my life, and I am constantly evaluating my reactions and precisely organizing ways to feel. Filing cabinets of facial expressions and strung together sentences that just sound appropriate.
I want to be happy more than anything. I want to cleanse myself of everything that pollutes my mind and prevents me from exhaling, and I dont want to be afraid.
If only I could let go of everything I ridicule, criticize, and oppose. It takes too much effort to hate. Its sucking the life out of me and everyone else. I am characterized by what I am not, not for who I am. I am so sick of trying not to be vulnerable, and so sick of trying not to be confused.
Im lost in trying not to be lost.
Today marks self exploration and realizing what makes me happy. True, laughing fades and youre left blank, but at least the residue from hilarity leaves you with a smile.
Its not much, but, for what its worth, Im trying.
I really am trying.