My name is Alycia and I’m currently 18-years-old (I know, profile says I'm 22, but I joined 3 years ago and you had to be 18) and have no idea idea where I want to go in life and don’t specifically know what I want outside of being happy in the end. I’m only recently going back to school after dropping out of college a handful of times and I’ve never been happier or felt more content. I always cut my own happiness short because I did what I thought my family and peers wanted to see me do. I’m not saying this is ideal for everyone and I know that I do need to get my act together, but after seeing my life from two different perspectives, I’m ok with being uncertain in my late teens and not achieving greatness. I do care about my education and the stability of my future, but I don’t see significance in bullshitting myself into debt with an education or career I’m not happy with. I’m trying to figure out who I am and what really makes me happy and I think being a little uncertain for a year or two is alright. Shit, I’ve already wasted enough time going from degree to degree.

I still have ideas and values I followed my entire life that are still important to me. As cliche as it is, I live by that golden rule that you’re taught as a kid; “Treat others as you wish to be treated.” I have the worst public anxiety and I’m self-conscious as fuck. Yes, I know I know that seems hypocritical given my reputation and internet addiction but it’s easy to shut off a computer. Dealing with people’s misconceptions and accusations has taken its toll on me though, but I refuse to ever disrespect someone by not giving the respect they deserve as another human being. Prove me otherwise and I’ll write you off like a bad habit, but that’s a reaction based on the actions of other.

I always had this problem of being a push-over though. I let that point of being polite lead into being naive. I still follow my ideas of common courtesy, but I have no need to be friends with everyone who starts up a half-assed conversation with me. I have less than a handful of real friends and those who are, more or less, acquaintances. They’re not bad people, but I have a major guard up and don’t feel the need to invest myself to people who will betray me or take it for granted. The few people I consider my true friends have proven their trust and loyalty to me and that’s something I just can’t instill on the majority of people I come across. I’m content with sticking to myself and my small social group. I know for a fact I come off as stand-offish and bitchy to others, but I haven’t the need to become BFF with someone I’ve just met in a noisy club or random drunk broad. I’m usually drunk myself and on my sidekick, so conversations are limited anyway. Again, I’ll always be polite, but my friendship is given to few and far between.

Being at this point in my life, I’m really not in a position where I feel I need a guy in my life to seal the deal. Truthfully, I don’t see myself as ever being someone who gets married. I had one extremely long relationship, which I don’t regret, but its a lot different than what I thought it was at the time. Then I had someone who I love(d?), but the circumstances and timing just weren’t meant to be. It sucked, sure.. But I’m not bitter. Nor do I feel the need to commit to anything serious with anyone. After that experience, it’s just something I’m not willing to offer to just anyone. I date around, sure… But nothing significant. I’m not interested in fucking some random dude for a bit and then the others don’t seem to realize that my friends will and will always come before them. The people I have in my life make me more than happy. If something is to come along, I’m ok with letting it just happen, but I’m not going to sacrifice myself and who I am for someone ever again or put them above the rest of my priorities in life.Beyond that, I live each day as if it were my last and take it all one stride at a time. If you visited my site years ago and are re-visiting, you might see two completely different people. You might see train wreck compared to the bullshit I use to masquerade around.

Others might just see past that and that’s what I hope for. If I somehow don’t live up to this idealistic image that you have set in your mind, I’m sorry, but I could give a shit less. I walked around pretending and feeling like a puppet for too long. I’m not perfect and I’m ok with that. It was when I was trying to be perfect to the entire world that I felt empty and loathed who I was. I’m finally at a point where I feel like I know who I am and I don’t have to have a significant other, certain look, or list of achievements to prove that I’m something of worth. I find that within myself and could care less about proving it to anyone else. As long as I have the appreciation of my friends, family, and myself, the rest is just trivial bullshit in comparison to the important things in life.

No, you're not hardcore. You're not gangster.
You don't intimidate me. You're not original.
You're not cool because you're a "nonconformist."
Your attitude doesn't phase me.
Your life doesn't affect me.
Your arrogance makes me laugh.
Your immaturity speaks for itself.
Your whining is ineffectual.
Your drug use could very easily be your downfall.
And above all, your intelligence is what's important.
All else comes second.


Facebook is Alycia Ryan.